Kroger & Mexico (not even closely related subject wise)
I know, I know. I promised you all a blog about camp and featuring a picture of me in a harness/helmet contraption. But it took me longer than I thought to get mobility back AND then I started watching season 1 of “Heroes” (HOW have I never seen that?) which I am now addicted to AND then yesterday I had a 24 hour stomach bug AND now I have a migraine. So downloading a picture from my camera seems too hard.
Oh, also somewhere in between me working on work stuff and zooming through a whole season of Heroes (really, it’s sad) we decided to take bratchild to Mexico this summer to see Chichen Itza and all that goodness.
Because I am overly anal retentive and OCD, I immediately started planning things down to the day and working on a spreadsheet. J and I went in 2008 for an anniversary trip and then in 2009 with friends in time for the Swine Flu outbreak and now 2010 with bratchild. After reading 374 reviews, approximately, the hubs and I had this conversation:
Me: “Oh, wow. I have to go get a new Mexico book, like right now.”
J: “Don’t you already have one?”
Me: “Yes, but it’s 2008.”
J: “And? What? Do you think they’ve moved Chichen Itza?”
Me: “Well, something could be different.”
And then we went to Kroger, where I haven’t been since the cough med incident. I was mildly ( ie. livid) that they for some insane reason have been out of 12 packs of Canada Dry Ginger Ale for over a month now. I live on the stuff. Truly. I spend lots of my time nauseous and that’s the one thing that keeps me from expelling all of my stomach contents on a daily basis.
J tried to substitute with this nastily horrific Buffalo Rock spiced ginger crap and…it was brown. What ginger ale is brown? Part of the reason I like ginger ale is because it’s clear so it doesn’t counteract my teeth whitening efforts. And it burned my throat-it was, well, spicy-hence the name.
I honestly don’t know why he thought I would be into trying something new. I stick with what works people. Pencil skirts? Check. Red lipstick? Yup. Heels? Hell to the, umm, heel? Canada Dry Ginger Ale? Why yes, IN CANS-always.
So they were out this time and you know how the overly perky check out people always smile and say perkily, “Did you find everything you needed?” And then everyone ALWAYS says, “Why yes, I did and aren’t you so cute for asking? If I hadn’t, I would be stabbing you in your perky little eyeballs with the handle from my buggy.” (or chariot as my dad calls them) (And maybe I’m the only person that thinks that?)
But that day, Peppy the Perky Grocery Store Cheerleader was answered with this exchange:
Me: “No. I absolutely did not. What is up with you people being out of 12 packs of Canada Dry Ginger Ale for well over a month? You’re killing me.”
Peppy: “Uh, I didn’t know we were.”
J: “You’re just supposed to say yes, they don’t really care. Let’s just check out in peace PLEASE.”
Me: “If they don’t want to know, they shouldn’t ask.”
Peppy: “Did you find everything or not?”
In unison, J says, “Yes, thank you” and I bellow, “NOooooooo!!!”
Peppy: “Um, well I guess you can stop at the service desk and tell the manager. They may not know we’re out or it might be in the back or someone might not have restocked…or something.” (Her words were helpful but her eyes were all shifty, as if they were saying-okay, self. This is what we’ve trained for. The time has come. The crazy lady has cracked. I’ll try to sound the alarm without her noticing.)
Me: “You know, that seems needlessly complicated. Can’t YOU just tell the manager that you’ve been out of ginger ale for a month and maybe they should check into it?”
J: “Thanks for you help, we’ll do that.”
But then, he starts SPEEDING towards the exit.
Me: “Are you that desperate for me not to talk to the manager? I’m going to be nice, I just want to know what’s up with the farking ginger ale.”
J: “You are well on your way to being banned from Target. Do you really want to be banned from the good Kroger and have to go to the scary one? You already won’t shop at Publix because you think their employees are way too perky and it pisses you off when they try to carry a loaf of bread to the car for you. Your options are becoming limited.”
Me: “Oh, that may be a good point. That’s the same cashier I tried to get to call the police on the guy in front of me in line one day because I thought he was a serial killer.”
J: “You told a flight attendant you thought a guy was a terrorist and now you want the high school check out girl to call the cops on someone you think is a serial killer? What have you been watching on TV? Lifetime Movie Network?”
Me: “No, I don’t watch those kinds of movies, I just like the ones where sorority girls are haunted and a girl is psychic and trying to find her dead brother she never knew she had that is buried in a swamp by a creepy house and communicating with her from beyond the grave. I don’t like the ones about murder or where the husband is evil and has his wife involuntarily committed so he can screw the babysitter.”
J: “Well, that’s all then. Clearly those kinds of programs on the old LMN wouldn’t make anyone act crazy.”
Me: “You would have thought he was a serial killer too. He bought FOUR garbage can size containers of bleach, FOUR humongous bags of generic kitty litter, FOUR buckets of Mr. Clean AND giant trash bags. What ELSE would he be doing but disposing of bodies?”
J: “If you don’t watch it, you’re going to have to start shopping in Madison.”
Me, muttering: “He probably already had shower curtains in his trunk…”
(Clearly, I read an article that said you should link to old posts in blog posts. In typical fashion, I took it to the extreme.)
© Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Lloyd Mayfield and Amy’s Blam with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.