Elf on the Shelf: a holiday rant
I have lots to say about Thanksgiving, my fat doctor, glitter and Christmas decor but all I have been able to think about is the damn Elf on the Shelf.
I love the concept. Truly I do. We’ve had one for years: Bertram. Bertram is a civilized elf-or well aware I’m lazy-as he won’t make his first appearance until Dec. 1, tomorrow. By The Facebook and The Pinterest I can see that many people already have their elf off the shelf and out and about. That’s fine for them.
Bertram is hiding in a kitchen cabinet hidden behind cooking appliances I either didn’t know what they were or didn’t know what we had. My passport tends to reside in the blender. This is a pretty good hiding spot as bratchild would never open that cabinet and I forget about it.
Bertram is fun and he hangs out until Christmas Eve and he generally leaves bratchild a “handmade” gift just from him complete with a letter written in tiny elf handwriting on Santa paper. He tells her what he’s proud of, what he likes about her and maybe one or two things she needs to work on (ahem-cleaning up her room.)
But I currently have several annoyances with the whole Elf on the Shelf gig.
First? They are EVERYWHERE. It’s Christmas Magic people and that’s hard to enforce when 900 elves are staring at you behind plastic perched on the end cap at Target. Elves come from the North Pole-not mass market retailers. I don’t even remember where I bought our elf OR how many years we’ve had him. (A small boutique? Three?) I don’t know if that’s due to elven magic, much like fudge stripe cookies, or to me being old or buying bunches of crap but I KNOW I didn’t buy him at a big store while I was toting my child along. Hmph.
Second? Now there are accessories? A Claus Couture Collection Skirt may be purchased for the female elves:
Shut the front door! If I would have known an accessories line would be available JUST for the female elves, our Bertram may have been a Bertramette. I may buy Bertram a skirt and add some sparkles to his jaunty cap. Couture shouldn’t be just for girl elves-maybe we’ll just have a cross-dresser. Take that marketers.
Third? I am a little overwhelmed by the lengths people will go to to have their elves do “fun” things. I’ve seen ones in the shower wrapped in mini towels, riding roosters (fake ones which somehow I find more disturbing) towards a hand-crafted finish line, fishing for marshmallows. You know the moms who stay up all night compulsively making cupcakes that sing or candy creatures that are battery-powered or picture perfect envelopes for invites? And then while being all silently smugly superior they assure you it’s nothing while they give your cookie cake a pitying glance? Is Elf on the Shelf a new evolution of competitiveness among moms?
It’s called ELF ON THE SHELF not elf rides an f-ing dinosaur or vacuums your house. Though I could totally get behind the latter.
Do you have an Elf? What does he or she do?
(Also. I’m going to get it out there now. The 12 days of Christmas STARTS on Christmas. That’s not when it ends. Consider this your Christmas public service announcement. Now back to our regularly scheduled glittering.)