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Bratchild doesn’t support Bertram’s life choices

November 27, 2012

We got Bertram, our Elf on the Shelf, years ago before they were super popular and before they were a tool for moms to try to one-up one another. My Elf on the Shelf custom paints masterpieces that sell at Sotheby’s for one MILLION dollars. Oh really? Mine studied cooking with Emeril. Yes, but MY elf was classically trained with the entire cast of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” It’s a little out of hand and whole sites are dedicated to 101 ways to make other parents feel bad about themselves and their parenting choices.

Our elf, Bertram, is very chill. Sometimes he hangs out in the same place for a couple of days. I like to say it’s because he found a good vantage point. Sometimes he’s tough to find. He never makes messes or does “clever” things because, unlike some parents, we get the point of having an elf. The elf is a means to terrorize your children into behaving. (And Bratchild isn’t even a badly behaving child! But still!) PB (pre-Bertram) I would have to call Santa Claus and have conversations with him, of course within Bratchild’s earshot. Now I have an elf to do that shit for me. SO WHY would you have an elf tear up shit, make messes, write on windows, et al when he’s supposed to be the ENFORCER not the ENABLER? I don’t understand and I digress.

Back in the dark ages, when we were the only peeps with an elf, there were only boy elfs. Now they make skirts. Bertram is a boy. But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t enjoy a skirt. The hubs wears skirts, well, kilts at any rate. So why can’t Bertram? Pictured is the 2011 Claus Couture Collection Skirt, it would seem there is a 2012 edition as well. Ridiculous much?

Regardless, Bratchild and I were at Barnes and Noble heatedly debating Bertram’s desire for a skirt:

Me: But he wants a skirt. He told me.
Bratchild: Mom. He’s a boy. That’s stupid.
Me: BUT he whaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnntttttttsssssssssss ooooooonnnnnnnnnnne. (I hadn’t thought of the J skirt argument at this point.)
Bratchild: No.
Me: But he toooooooooollllllldddddd me so.
Bratchild: Mom. No.
Me: Who do you think he talks to more? Me or you?
Bratchild: You are not getting him a skirt.
Me: FINE. When he doesn’t come this year it will be because you aren’t supportive of his life choices. (a few seconds later) I could accent it with glitter?!?!
Bratchild: Can we go to Target?
Me: We don’t need to since you don’t want Bertram to be happy. You’ll wish he had a skirt when he decides to wrap all your presents in Justin Bieber wrapping paper making you not want to open them. Or maybe girls who deny elfs the right to skirts don’t even get presents. We will see.

We left the store, skirt-less to say the least, but I am not defeated yet. What’s wrong with being fancy? Maybe if I made him a kilt that would be more acceptable to the bratty brattiest bratchild? This skirt, ahem kilt, looks elvish, no?

2 Comments leave one →
  1. chris permalink
    November 27, 2012 8:20 PM

    Enjoyed the laugh! Why not get him a pair of tights and a wig? Or go all out and get him a make-up kit?

  2. November 28, 2012 7:49 AM

    Poor Bertram! ALL elves like skirts, boys, girls… the whole lot. They also like feathers.

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